Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Yoda was wrong, there is a try.

Lately, my emotions have been getting to me. I have been working out constantly and eating low calorie diets to lose weight, because if I do, there is the possibility that I can overcome my PCOS and Insulin Resistance. To be honest, I don't think it's going to work. Not to sound like a Debby Downer or anything, but I have been dealing with this since I was 12, and I haven't always been heavy, so there is no guarantee that it will work. I keep praying that one day, I'll be able to be a mother, that someday I will be able to carry my own kids, and feel the joy that is life growing inside of me. Some people are so inconsiderate to this though. I had a friend, tell me "I'll be your surrogate, being pregnant isn't all the great anyways, you aren't missing anything." How inconsiderate of her to say that I'm not missing anything, when I would give anything to be able to get pregnant.
   Recently, my husband and I have been talking about whether or not we want to try, when he gets home from his deployment. I have already been set a time limit on how long I have to try, and I'm losing a year and a half of that time for this deployment. I'm scared, I'm lonely, and I feel like no one understands. I think I don't want to try, because I'm afraid that it won't work, that I'm afraid that even if we invest so much money into it, that we  still won't get the chance to have children. I guess there is the upside, that if it does work, I get the chance to be a mother, that I can experience morning sickness, and the pain of labor, but I'm letting the fear of failure control me.
    Yesterday, at work, a gentleman came in with his little girl, and he told me that her name is Abigail Grace. Abigail after his mother, and Grace because she is his miracle. His wife has PCOS too, and they were married for 18 years before she came along, and it was unexpected, it was after they had done treatments, and after they were done trying. I don't want to wait 20 years to become a parent. I don't want to be raising babies in my 50's. Not, when all of my friends kids will have been out of the house for years, and starting families on their own. I know I can't look at other people and judge the way I want my life to go off of them, but damn it, I want to make the decision myself.
    I wish that I could choose when I was going to start trying. I wish that it would be as simple as stopping using birth control, or condoms. I wish, that God would stop testing me to see how strong I am. Being a military wife is pressure enough, without the pressure of infertility. I could handle one or the other, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle both.
    I know, I sound like I'm giving up hope, but right now that's how I feel. I don't even have Kyle here to talk to me about it, or go through these emotions with me. I have no one to go through these emotions with me, and that is the hardest part of all.

1 comment:

  1. I am so glad you commented on my blog and started one yourself! Both your posts made me want to cry because every feeling felt oh so similar to what I had gone through- and it was the most painful thing you can go through. I want you to know that as a fellow "infertile" I understand and am here for you 100% whatever you need! I will be rooting for you and your soon to be baby. :) I know it sounds crazy but Dr. Larsen seriously is AMAZING and changed my life forever- I will NEVER forget that office. It took a long time and A LOT of tears but I finally have my little miracle on the way. If you want to email me you can but I wanted to get an update on how things are going for you :) Are you still seeing Dr. Larsen? You can email me at brittany.tashjian@phoenix.edu. Whatever you need you let me know! AND I TOO HATED hearing women saying being pregnant is not all that great- or your not missing out- SO rude and totally unfair! Okay done with the long comment here...haha! But I am really glad to hear from you! My good friend from work got pregnant from Dr. Larsen's office and is due 4 weeks after me and it took her 18 years- this man works wonders so stay with him! :) Sending hugs and baby dust your way!!

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