Long time, no post.

Well, it has been a long time since I have posted on here....
I have been starting to get upset about my infertility again, with all my weight loss and what not I had come a long way, I was starting to have periods on my own for the first time ever, and all my levels were normal, on the high end of normal but normal nonetheless.
So in October I had a normal 26 day cycle and had a period by myself, then in December I did it again, beginning of February it happened for the last time. I hadn't since had a period, so I went back on birth control to help give me some regulation. I had stopped taking my metformin, because I didn't need it anymore, but with the increase in weight (20 pounds I put back on when Kyle came home) I need it again.
Also, with having surgery on my foot (to read about that, you can check out my blog mrsmacaroni.blogspot.com), I haven't been able to work out, in fact today I can start again and I am determined to lose these 20 pounds I put back on by August.

I have started having dreams about having children, the thing is that in my dreams, they aren't even mine, they are adopted children. And while I am not against adoption, I still want to be able to give mine and Kyle's beautiful children a fighting chance, I haven't mourned the loss of that biological child yet, I am not ready to close that door. I have started to look into fostering, maybe that is something I can do for a while to help me, and help others at the same time. In Arizona there is a pretty extensive process that a family has to go through in order to foster a child, which is great, it should be that way. There is a workshop that helps families look into it a week from tomorrow, and Kyle and I might go just to get a better idea about whether or not it's something we can do, or if it is right for us.

Since I am going to school full time in the fall, if we do foster, I would be interested in fostering between the ages of 5-9 where they would be at school while I am, and I would still be able to open up a loving home for them.

If anyone has been through a fostering program, any insights would help.

Sometimes News can be Good News.

I'm not sure how to start this post, I'm really good at rambling so let's go from there. I have always had issues with my weight, I have NEVER been "skinny" not growing up, not in high school, not EVER. I'm just not built to be thin, and I'm okay with that, I enjoy having curves and muscle, I just don't enjoy being considered "fat." Well, with all of my hormone issues and medications I gained a lot of weight, I'm not going to say that I didn't indulge myself a lot more than I should have, because I totally did, but I was feeling sorry for myself and depression eating took the best of me. When Kyle left in January for this deployment I promised him that I would get down to my goal weight, which is 150 pounds, when I said that I didn't quite believe myself since I was looking in the mirror at a woman who weighed in at 234 pounds. Well, as of today, I weigh in at 164.
 Last month I went to my doctors and I wanted my blood tests ran again, my FSH, Estrogen, Testosterone, Insulin levels, EVERYTHING including ultrasounds done. My ultrasounds still proved that my ovaries were covered in cysts, I was every bit disappointed that I could be, I had thought for sure that my ovaries were better. But good news followed that, there was a 33% reduction in the amount of cysts AND my ovaries were NORMAL in size in comparison to the 3 times enlarged that they were when tests were ran in October of last year!!! I didn't want to get my hopes up too high until my blood tests came back, so I waited patiently for 2 weeks until my next appointment, and Dr. Gomez (my regular OB/GYN) told me that every single test came back in the normal scale! I was so ecstatic that I almost cried right there in his office.
 The ONLY thing I wanted to do was go home and tell my wonderful husband about the good news, to throw my arms around him and tell him that for the first time in my life everything was being read as normal. Unfortunately, I had to wait until Kyle was on skype to tell him.
 The next step at this point is when I am finished with my cycle from the birth control is to discontinue using it for 8 weeks and see if I have a period on my own, if I do, it means that I ovulated, if I don't then well, we will go from there. I have hope for the first time in a long time regarding my fertility, I hope it is a feeling that doesn't go away.

National Infertility Week April 22nd - April 28th

  Mother's day is coming up soon, and as everyone is remembering their mothers, or the fact that they are one, I would like to take a brief second and remember those of us who are not mothers and may never be. Infertility is a taboo subject that many people cannot and will not talk about. I talk about mine a lot, and many of you may think I dwell too much on it, or that I'm just a little too negative about it. Before you question my motives, I would like to pose you a few questions... How often do you see pregnant women? How often do you see parents with their children? How often do you hear or see a commercial about kids? How often do you complain about your own kids? Now, some of you may not think these are significant events, but it is very much in the same way like when you get a new car and you notice everyone drives the same one. Or when everyone else has something that you so desperately want, but can't have. It would be like if I was continually saving up for a house, and then everyone I know was just given one for free. It isn't fair.

Infertility, should not be a taboo subject, if more people spoke about it it would be an easier topic. If a friend sat down and told you she had breast cancer your first response WOULD NOT be “Oh, well, my boobs are healthy do you want one of mine?” No, the first response would be “I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do?” So why if I tell you that I am infertile would you say, “Oh, not me, I'm a fertile mertyle!” or “I just think about getting pregnant and I get pregnant!” or my personal favorite “Well, you can have one of my kids.” Infertility hurts. Plain and simple.

It does not run my life, it does not dictate the person I am, it does not completely consume me. I would never claim these things to someone who is pregnant that they “talk about their pregnancy too much.” Or someone who is in love and getting married that they “talk about their love too much.” It just simply would not be said. Just because I do talk about it, doesn't mean I am rolling around in my pain, I want to spread the word, I want people to be educated about it. I want to answer questions that people are too afraid to ask.

It is national infertility week, everyday women and men are faced with infertility, I would just like to take a minute and say a prayer for those who are Infertile. Those who have overcome that barrier in some way, by adoption, by ivf, by simply just choosing to live without children. With the spread of word, and talking about things that are not easy to talk about, maybe this battle won't be a difficult one for those who face it now or in the future.

When you thank your mothers, when you enjoy the fact that you are one, especially around mothers day, remember there are women out there who would die to know the joy of those stretch marks, that morning sickness, those messy houses, and those hours without sleep.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Yoda was wrong, there is a try.

Lately, my emotions have been getting to me. I have been working out constantly and eating low calorie diets to lose weight, because if I do, there is the possibility that I can overcome my PCOS and Insulin Resistance. To be honest, I don't think it's going to work. Not to sound like a Debby Downer or anything, but I have been dealing with this since I was 12, and I haven't always been heavy, so there is no guarantee that it will work. I keep praying that one day, I'll be able to be a mother, that someday I will be able to carry my own kids, and feel the joy that is life growing inside of me. Some people are so inconsiderate to this though. I had a friend, tell me "I'll be your surrogate, being pregnant isn't all the great anyways, you aren't missing anything." How inconsiderate of her to say that I'm not missing anything, when I would give anything to be able to get pregnant.
   Recently, my husband and I have been talking about whether or not we want to try, when he gets home from his deployment. I have already been set a time limit on how long I have to try, and I'm losing a year and a half of that time for this deployment. I'm scared, I'm lonely, and I feel like no one understands. I think I don't want to try, because I'm afraid that it won't work, that I'm afraid that even if we invest so much money into it, that we  still won't get the chance to have children. I guess there is the upside, that if it does work, I get the chance to be a mother, that I can experience morning sickness, and the pain of labor, but I'm letting the fear of failure control me.
    Yesterday, at work, a gentleman came in with his little girl, and he told me that her name is Abigail Grace. Abigail after his mother, and Grace because she is his miracle. His wife has PCOS too, and they were married for 18 years before she came along, and it was unexpected, it was after they had done treatments, and after they were done trying. I don't want to wait 20 years to become a parent. I don't want to be raising babies in my 50's. Not, when all of my friends kids will have been out of the house for years, and starting families on their own. I know I can't look at other people and judge the way I want my life to go off of them, but damn it, I want to make the decision myself.
    I wish that I could choose when I was going to start trying. I wish that it would be as simple as stopping using birth control, or condoms. I wish, that God would stop testing me to see how strong I am. Being a military wife is pressure enough, without the pressure of infertility. I could handle one or the other, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle both.
    I know, I sound like I'm giving up hope, but right now that's how I feel. I don't even have Kyle here to talk to me about it, or go through these emotions with me. I have no one to go through these emotions with me, and that is the hardest part of all.

My Journey

 I'm not much of a blogger, but after facing some hard truths as of late, I feel that I need a way to vent about my Infertility, without blowing up on people who don't understand. After googling for quite a while, I found many blogs that had to do with Infertility and for once, I didn't feel alone. So here goes....

  When I was 12 years old, I had my first period. I didn't see another one until I was 17 1/2. Let me rephrase that, I went to the doctor when I was 14 to figure out why I wasn't like everyone else. After running tests, they concluded that I was just dealing with "irregular periods" that "most girls my age" experience. (It's not IRREGULAR if it doesn't occur at all.) He prescribed me Birth Control to help me have a period and sent me on my way. After trying to regulate me for a year, my doctor decided to take me off of the birth control (I wasn't sexually active, so why did it matter?), to see if my body would regulate itself. As I sat there, I remember asking him, "Will I be able to have kids?" My doctor laughed, as if this was a silly concern. I guess, I knew at 15 that it would be a bigger concern later on.

     When I was 17, I had a period, by myself, and the first one in 2 years since I had been off of birth control, it came as a shock, and it came very painfully. I did not have another one until I started on birth control again.

      A few short days before my 18th birthday, I asked my doctor again, what could be done about the fact that here I was a woman, and unable to have periods without the help of medication. My doctor visited the idea that it could be my pituitary gland, or that it could be something called PCOS. There were never tests ran, and I was never explained to what either of those things might mean for me, I was just prescribed birth control again, because that at least gave me a period.

     On June 1st, 2009 I married my best friend. I was 18, and ready to take on whatever life had to throw at me. My new husband was about to leave for basic training, and my mind was swirling with the new ideas of being a military wife, and all that entailed. In October of 2009, I went into see a doctor because one day I planned on having a family, and since here I was at 19 and still had no sign of a period. She ran some tests, did my annual, took some of my blood, gave me an ultrasound, and sent me on my way.

     When my test results came in, she brought me into her office and told me plain and simple that I have PCOS. Now this was the second time I had EVER heard this term, but I had no idea what it stood for, let alone what it meant. 

   In short, PCOS is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - condition in women characterized by irregular or no menstrual periods, acne, obesity, and excess hair growth. PCOS is a disorder of chronically abnormal ovarian function.That explained a lot, for one the moustache that grew thicker than my husbands, and the missing in action mother nature presentWhat did this mean for me? What could I do to fix it? Did I do something wrong? Will I be able to have kids? Is this genetic? Why was this not mentioned to me when I started having problems? Unfortunately, most of these questions remain to be seen.
   I asked her what I could do, she gave me a blank look, and proceeded to tell me that she could put me on birth control to give me a period, and that was it. You mean to tell me that the same thing that I have been doing since I was 14 is all there is? That didn't make sense to me, so I researched it myself. I came to a discovery that something called Metformin, which was a diabetic drug, would help regulate insulin levels and potentially get me on the right track. I called my doctor to ask about this. Her response? That I should crash diet, and lose weight and my body would fix itself. I switched doctors.
    As soon as I explained everything that was going on to my new doctor, he prescribed me Metformin. Why was that so hard for the other doctor? Remember when I said I started this in October of 2009? At this point, it was February of 2010. I started taking metformin, and 2 weeks later I had a period! I was both ecstatic and upset. See I had been visiting my husband, who at the time was stationed and Georgia, and of all the times for my period to actually show up, it had to be then. I did not stop bleeding until April. From then on, until August I was every 7 days. 7 days on, 7 days off. This would just not do, I asked my doctor what could happen, because I began to feel sick, because of the amount of Iron I was losing every other week. He tried provera to see if he could regulate me, I broke through and bled. So, we tried prometrium, same result. We tried this switching between the meds until December of 2010, when I had accidentally missed a dosage and all periods seemed to cease and desist. At that point my doctor recommended a laparoscopic surgery to remove the egg follicles (or cysts) from my ovaries. They were 3 times the normal size that an ovary should be. My right one being 3/4 cystic, and my left only be 1/2 cystic.I can tell you that for a few weeks I was miserable, it hurt to move, it hurt to sit up, it hurt to think about my  ovaries. I recovered from that, only to find out a few months later that the surgery didn't do what it was supposed to, the cysts formed again and this time they were meaner than before. At this point I was referred to a Fertility Specialist. After talking to him, I told him how important it was for me to one day be able to have a family, and how being a Military Wife, one of my fears was that something could happen to my husband, and that I would have nothing left. He nodded solemnly, and told me he understood. He, himself has served 14 years in the Army. We discussed a plan, and he prescribed me Prometrium, since I had been bleeding on that before. I was excited, we were finally going to see if I had any sort of progress, if my eggs were of good quality, and most importantly discuss the possibility of getting pregnant one day.I took the pills, nothing happened. I waited, nothing happened. I called the doctor, he scheduled me an ultrasound. My right ovary had a volume of 25, and my left of 17. Aren't they supposed to be below 10? I had 30-40 follicles on EACH OVARY. This is not normal. At this point in time, I got the news that my husband was to be deploying in January, it was currently October 2011, I didn't have much time. After talking it over with my doctor, about time periods and whatnot, I was told that the best case for me would to start seriously trying by the time I was 25 .For those of you keeping count, that leaves me with 4 years, to start trying, and a year and a half of that my husband will be deployed. This is my fertility journey, one day I will have my kids. I'm not sure how, or when, and I'm not always positive about it, but one day it will happen.